Words for Monday

I’ve talked about why I make music before. Essentially, I started out on the baritone horn in jr high band (I wanted to play drums but the band teacher talked me out of it - I wasn’t exactly dying to play them), picked up a bass as a sophomore and started guitar shortly thereafter because I wanted to write songs. Since then - 10th grade - all I’ve wanted to do for a living is make music. At first, I wanted to be a rock star with all the trimmings, but that morphed into a desire to earn a decent livelihood with my own music. It’s never happened, and I’ve never gotten close. I’ve given up on music a few times in my life, but never for long.

Most recently, I released a collection of songs in Jan 2014, and then pretty much stopped playing with rare exception as I finished getting my degree. I graduated from University of Phoenix in Dec 2015. Since then, I’ve slowly started playing music again. It began with my wife’s request for songs to help her fall asleep at night - that project is almost done - and I’ve started an album to be released on or before I turn 50 on 8/9/2019. I’ve also come back to listening to a couple of artists I’ve loved for years. I stopped for a few reasons, and among them is that I find inspiration in what they do, and it’s painful to me if I’m not acting on it. It’s sort of like, “fuck. They’re making music. Why aren’t I?”

I wasn’t ready.

But, as I’ve started writing and recording again, those influences have crept back into my listening rotation, and that’s good. To be honest, there wasn’t much else that filled the void. I listened to a lot of podcasts, and still do, but music has insinuated itself back into my life. She can be a pushy bitch.

Why do I keep letting her back in? Why do I keep coming back?

The short, easy answer is it fulfills me like nothing else. I’ve written a book. I enjoyed it, and will self publish it soon. I’d be happy if it took off and I could make a living that way - it would feed my creative need. But I’d much rather do it with my music, and it’s not even close. If I could live without any serious financial worries, I’d take making a living with my music over hitting the lottery. Both would be lovely, but I meant what I said.

I may never get what I really want, but I’ll make music for as long as I can. It’s not ideal, but I think I can live with it. Guess I’ll find out.

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