There are days when I scroll through my FB feed to kill a little time and I end up getting pissed off at what I see. Obama this, Trump that, Kaepernick something else, silly fucking college football rivalries, etc. For a moment or two, I consider coming up with a few sentences that encapsulate my rage or indignation in a way that is both cutting and witty. Sometimes I actually do it. Sometimes I just say something that makes me look like a prick. But most of the time, I just let it go.
If I'm going to be completely honest with myself, I've never fit in properly with any group of people. I have no sense of loyalty to my hometown, my high school, or my college. I can probably count the number of people whose opinions truly matter to me on one hand; I can certainly do so on both and have fingers left over. And, I'm willing to bet that most of them don't really give much of a fuck about what I think.
Is that good or bad?
I've felt both ways about it at different times in my life. Right now, I'd say it's not good or bad. It just is. Do I want to fit in? Yes and no. I've felt a sense of belonging a few times, and it's like wrapping myself in a warm blanket when I didn't even know I was cold. But at what cost? Relationships don't last, people move on with their lives, I just piss them off, or they do the same to me. Why bother?
Because we're hard wired as social creatures. The vast majority of us crave social interaction, real relationships especially, on a primal level. The problem for me is that I haven't figured out how to do that dance with most people. Or, I don't want to. I've had many friends at different points in my life. I remain on good terms with very few. Whose fault is that?
Mine? Sure, to a degree. Trouble is, if I consider you a friend, I'm loyal to a fault. Or at least I used to be. Life has taught me most of you aren't worth the effort. Some of you are. But, I'm 47 now. I figure I have maybe 20 years left where my mind is intact, probably less where I can physically function at a reasonable level.
Why in the FUCK would I want to spend any of it doing something I don't enjoy or that isn't absolutely necessary for my survival?
And that answers my first question. Sometimes it's better just to let things go than to get all worked up about them.
Yes, there's shit that matters. Race relations seems to be a big one right now. You treat me with respect, and I'll reciprocate. As for institutional racism with those in authority, I have one simple question.
Who provides them with authority?
Ok. Guess I'm done rambling. I didn't really expect this tonight.