I know it’s been a long time since my last post. I have plenty to discuss but most of it isn’t good, and I was clearly in no hurry to share my thoughts. But right now, it’s either do it or pick up a guitar. I’m choosing the former, and that says a lot.
I have a heart problem. Starting in early April, I went to the local ER 4 or 5 weeks in a row, skipped a week, then went back because of a fast, irregular heart beat - we’re talking around 170 bpm. It happened once before my first trip, but I just waited it out because it occurred around 3:00 am or so. I didn’t trust myself to drive, I didn’t want to wake or worry my wife, and I wasn’t sure what was happening. That was a bad decision, but I seem to be quite skilled in that area.
The good news is that it hasn’t happened again for about two months. I’m on a number of medications and I’ve lost approximately 40 pounds. I’ve hovered around that mark for a couple of frustrating weeks; I have about 100 to go. You might be wondering how much I weighed.
Yeah, I was horrified and disgusted; more so than when I went over 300 pounds about a decade ago. The difference is I was relatively healthy then. Now? Not so much. I’ve lost weight strictly by changing my diet. I’m still horribly lazy when it comes to exercise, as in I don’t. Will I? I know I should. That might not be enough. I’ve spent most of my life avoiding exercise; it’s a huge change to make. Dramatically altering my diet wasn’t as difficult as I thought; frequent ER visits were sufficient motivation. But enough to start exercising? Apparently not.
The cost associated with this is significant. Yes, I have insurance, but I also have a deductible and coinsurance. Pair that up with a $2000 plumbing problem and the need for a new roof, and you get someone who already had financial issues going further down the drain. Furthermore, no one is interested in representing me and my book - The Eyes in My Dream, and my music “career” is enjoying just as much success. I recently met someone with an AMAZING voice and I thought we might make some music together, but that didn’t work out.
I know I’ve said something like this before, but it’s difficult to remain optimistic when a lifetime of failure is all you have. That might sound harsh, and maybe it is. I have a (leaky) roof over my head, a good job I don’t hate, a loving and amazing wife, and a few creature comforts.
But, what I want and have always wanted remains out of reach, so much so that continuing to try feels like a fool’s errand and a waste of time. I know many people believe in or create art for its own sake; I’m not among them. It has been my goal to make my living with it for all of my adult life, and I’ve never gotten close.
Yet, here I am, about to try again, sort of.
My wife has asked for a collection of songs she can fall asleep to at night, and I intend to honor her request. It’s the very least I can do for her. I’ll put them on my website and hope that others find value in my songs, but I don’t expect it to happen.
I’m probably going to self-publish my book and accompanying audio book. Maybe that will bear some fruit. Maybe.
I thought I might talk about all this in more detail, but as I type, I find that I don’t want to dwell on it. I have other things to do that may be more productive. Hopefully.